A History of the Spice Islands

Many years ago, just after Adam tasted the first apple, Arab people of the Middle East began to celebrate Adam’s discovery with a drink they called “seder,” made from the juice of the apple. Unfortunately, another group of people adopted that name for their annual dinner where they kept waiting for a missing friend.  To avoid any confusion with the dinner of the same name, the Arabs began to call their drink “cider.”  More years passed, and Arabs began to tire of the taste of plain cider, so some Arab sailors took to their boats to find ways to enhance its flavor.

Sailing east, across the Indian Ocean, they encountered stories of a small set of islands where, it was said, there grew plants and trees with fanciful flavors called “spices.”  Traveling far and wide in their boats, they encountered Chinese philosophers that showed them the way -- or, in their words, the “tao” -- to these islands. Ever since, Arab sailors have called their boats “dhows,” in honor of the guidance of these ancient philosophers.

More years passed, and eventually, the Arab sailors encountered the people of these legendary “spice” islands, and discovered the tastes of cinnamon, nutmeg, mace and clove, which grew plentifully on the hilly, rainy slopes.  Returning home, the sailors introduced the taste of these new spices to their church leaders, or “mullahs.”  Proclaiming it good, these church leaders then introduced “mullahed cider” to their congregants.  As people learned to let the cider ferment, tongues began to slur the word, and the spice drink was soon known as “mulled cider.”

More years passed, and the Arabs grew tired even of mulled cider, and they eventually gave up on Christmas – and mulled cider -- in favor of another feast that came earlier in the year (before the apples had a chance to ripen and become soft).  So it was left to the Portuguese, who still celebrate Christmas to this day, to sail their big ships to the Spice Islands for the spices needed to make mulled cider.

More years passed, and then the Dutch, who also celebrated Christmas, outgrew their fascination with tulips, and decided they needed more exotic plants to exploit monopolistically for the gold they needed to build their big cities.  They came to the Spice Islands and defeated the Portuguese, killed or expelled all the natives, and destroyed all the cinnamon, nutmeg and clove trees except for a few trees on a few islands. 

The British posed a last minute roadblock to a complete Dutch mulled cider monopoly when they commandeered an adjoining Spice Island.  The Dutch finessed this last barrier by giving the pesky English a little Dutch  island in the New World -- Manhattan – in exchange for the last remaining Spice Island.  Once the Dutch acquired a complete monopoly, prices for the now-extremely-rare spices tripled for cider lovers all over the world. 

Eventually, people grew tired of mulled cider, just as people eventually grew tired of tulips, and the Dutch spice monopoly collapsed.  Today, cinnamon, nutmeg, mace and cloves are grown by local islanders, ancestors of the survivors of the Dutch invasion, and are sold to the Chinese traders, who, as luck would have it, never lost their “tao” when it came to turning a profit on Christmas. 

As a result, we can now all enjoy a cup of Starbucks mulled cider at a reasonable price.  Thank goodness for the Arabs, the Portuguese, the Dutch and the Chinese. 

Oh – and don’t forget to thank God for the gift of apples, the Spice Islands, and their wonderful people – who ironically, have neither Christmas nor apples.

This is a true story.